The new (out today) What Men Want movie starring Taraji P. Hensen is a remake of the 2000 What Women Want movie starring Mel Gibson. So, if they can remake a movie, I can repurpose my old columns on this very same topic.
What Women Want
Unlike Mel Gibson’s character in What Women Want, I can’t read women’s minds. Or my wife’s handwriting.
However, unlike Mel’s character, I’m a newspaper reporter/columnist and can ask women what they want, and then totally listen to and care about their answers – or at least pretend to totally listen and care.
So, I asked several women what it is they want from us men and…
Debra (my sister, who lives in England): “When my friends used to ask me what I was looking for in a husband, I would say that all I really wanted was someone who had a short last name and was taller than 6 feet. I found Ken.” Ken is about 6-feet, 4-inches tall and my 4-foot-10-inch sister went from Debra Wartenberg to Debra Corey. She lost five letters and found a husband.
Mercy: “Women want a man who can both listen and talk. It seems there are a lot of good listeners and a lot of men who love to hear themselves talk. What a woman wants is a man who can do both.”
Are we also supposed to be able to chew gum at the same time?
Kim: “My turn on the couch with total control of the remote while my husband tackles the ‘tower of terror’ in the laundry room.”
Amy: “For men to stop trying to find some magic answer to this question.”
Amy’s poor husband must be totally confused.
Claire: “We don’t know what we want; we want a man who knows what we want!”
Claire’s husband must be even more confused than Amy’s husband.
Fiona (one of Debra’s British friends): “We still dream of a cross between James Bond and the man in the Milk Tray adverts.”
I checked with Fiona, and Cadbury makes Milk Tray chocolates and, in the adverts (which is British for TV commercial), the Milk Tray guy is handsome and mysterious and sky dives, skis and swims past sharks to deliver chocolates to women, then “vanishes out the window and absails (this is either British for sails or Fiona is a really bad typist) away so she never knows who he really is. The key is mystery and romance – someone who will go to all lengths to please his lady.”
Joyce (my mother-in-law): “A sense of humor and he has to be a Democrat or at least left of center, and smarter than me.”
Oh, the jokes I’ve refrained from adding!
Susan (my wonderful and beloved wife): “I want you to always hear and remember everything that I say and do; a new outfit with boots to match; a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant where we can talk; and chocolate … and stop writing about me in your stupid column!”
Victoria (my sister-in-law): “Shoes!”
Freda: “A man who knows his way around the washing machine, how to listen without offering unsolicited advice, likes to dance and doesn’t look ridiculous doing it … and he puts the lid down.”
Sandy: “Funny, sensitive, sympathetic to our needs, really listens, will pitch in and do a load of laundry without being asked and, this is a clincher, replaces the empty toilet-paper roll and puts it the right way!”
Women do seem a bit obsessed with laundry and toilets. And yet, I bet the Milk Tray guy never did a load of laundry in his life.
OK, I’m out of space … and I’ll leave it up to all you men out there to heed the advice of these women.
December 24, 2000 …
Soon after this column came out..
What Men Want
It seems my recent column about what women want from men sparked a lot of interest … from men. Several responded, telling me what they want from women. Now remember, this is what they want, not what I want, so don’t get mad at me.
Dave Bayer wrote: “Let’s put it in Hogan’s Heroes’terms; we want a Sgt. Schultz – ever faithful, but a bit ditzy.”
Yo, Dave, are you sure you want a woman, who, every time things get romantic, says: “I see nothing!”
Al DeVries sent a lengthy e-mail with about 40 things he wants from women. He obviously put a lot more time and effort into his response than I put into the actual, original column, which is exactly what I’m looking for from readers.
Some of the things Al wants are:
*If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Do not ask us, we refuse to answer.
*Do not cut your hair. Ever! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
*Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Just say it! Better yet, go get it yourself and give it to us to give to you.
*Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
*Check your oil … please!
*Whenever possible, please say what you have to say during commercials.
To sum up: Al, who has been married six times (only kidding), wants a thin, long-haired woman who is straightforward, mechanical, strong and concise.
My Uncle Wes wrote to say he took issue with Mercy’s desire for a man who can both listen and talk.
“Men DO listen,” he began. “You can catch every fifth sentence and still get the whole story. It’s like watching soaps. You watch once a month and can catch up completely. Men just need the facts. Women have to relive every moment in living color, with aromas, tastes and lots of touchy feely.”
I think Al and Uncle Wes would hit it off!
Mike Russo also got into the spirit of the debate.
“I can’t speak for all my brothers, but as for me, if I met a woman who is into the arts – music, drama, etc. – has faith in God, a wicked sense of humor, can sing, enjoys the childlike aspects of life, knows how to take care of themselves, wants someone for the long term, wouldn’t mind having kids, and can deal with my schedule of day job and working actor/musician, then I’d consider a date.”
Sorry Mike, but I’m not running a dating service here in this column, you’ll have to find this perfect woman all by yourself.
There you have it ladies, what several men out there want from women. And remember, this is what they want, not me. So, you know who to get mad at.
January 7, 2001