Yet Another Totally Great Week for Trump!

trump1Here’s a CNN headline from earlier today: Trump’s Absolutely Disastrous Week.

Are you kidding me? This has been an absolutely fabulous week for the Prez. He and his base relished and rejoiced in all the dysfunctional insanity and free, non-stop publicity, TV coverage and obsessiveness over all things Trump. It was all Trump all the time, which is pretty much his philosophy for governing. Me, me, me. And it’s working. It was such a great week that Monday, Feb. 19, is Trump Day. Some call it Presidents Day, but let’s be realistic: Every day is your day when you’re the Donald. And in charge.

The fake-news CNN article “claims” it was a disastrous week for Trump because he “was buffeted on virtually every front — the Russia investigation, issues of his personal conduct prior to becoming president, staffing at the White House, crisis response…”

Again: Come on, are you kidding me?

Allegations he had an affair with a porn star is a tremendous publicity strategy and proof of his amazing virility. It’s not like a normal man can have sex with a porn star. Could you? I doubt it. Could I? No way. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. You have to be a totally macho, skyscraper developing, golf champion, intellectually awesome kind of guy to have an affair with a porn star. Especially if you’re married to someone else at the time. And she just had a baby. I don’t even think George Clooney could pull this off. Only the Donald. And maybe Charlie Sheen.

And remember how his grab ‘em by the you know what moment propelled him to the White House? This one’s even better. I can’t wait for the next awesomely inappropriate revelation about the Donald. Whatever it is, it will surely guarantee a second term.

The Rob Porter debacle?

Again: What debacle?

It only proves that nobody other than Trump can lead this country. Everyone else in his administration is a lesser human being and Trump should just fire everyone and run the whole damn White House, country and world by himself. In fact, who needs a government at all when we have Trump. He’s already fixed healthcare, immigration, the environment and taxes. I mean come on, if all this stuff benefits billionaires, it just has to be good for the rest of us, right? I’m more than happy to pay $350 more a month for my Affordable Care Act coverage this year, and am totally not worried it could go away in 2018. I just won’t get sick. It’s really that simple. So, stop all your whining about not having health coverage – and just don’t get sick. Like Trump. He’s never been sick in his entire life. Except for the bone spur thing, but the Donald conquered that with pure tenacity and willpower and can now walk at least 30 yards at a time – maybe more if a porn star is at the other end of the bedroom.

Plus, the Prez did eventually say domestic violence was bad, really bad, after several days of debate about whether or not he thought domestic violence was bad. What a great PR strategy by the Donald. It put domestic violence – and Trump – in the spotlight 24/7 (even with the Olympics going on) and his all-powerful, brilliantly delivered 7-second condemnation of domestic violence has pretty much ended domestic violence forever! See, another problem solved.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point: It was a great week, a tremendous week for Trump. With many more to follow. He’ll have so many more great weeks we’ll actually get sick of all his great weeks.

 

 

Some Random Thoughts … and Pizza Pictures

pizza26*Is forgetting something a thing that you did or something you didn’t do?

*I don’t like Facebook posts that make you read to the end, and then prove you read to the end by posting the “secret” word in the comments section. Seems a little needy, and I refuse to play along based on principle. It’s up to me or you (the writer of the post), to make the post so fascinating, interesting, funny and/or informative that people will want and need to read it to the end. It shouldn’t be a test of loyalty. It should be a test of good writing. So, it’s totally OK with me if you don’t read this post to the end. It’s my fault for being boring. I’ll try harder.

*We have (finally) started watching The Handmaid’s Tale. Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions, most of them sad and terrifying. And, what with a wanna-be-dictator Prez in office and out of control, a little too real for comfort. A few questions have popped into my mind while watching:

1.Wouldn’t it have been a helluva lot easier for everyone involved to instead use artificial insemination?pizza22

2.After binge-watching a couple episodes of Handmaid’s Tale with your significant other, have you ever then been in an amorous mood? If so, you may have a problem.

3.Is the virus from Handmaid’s Tale in any way connected to the virus in The Last Man on Earth?

*In real life nobody eats Chinese food directly out of the white, paper-box containers. And yet, they do it all the time on TV. You have to mix the kung pow chicken in one container and the rice from another container together, in a separate receptacle, and then you can start eating. Even if you’re in the F.B.I. or N.C.I.S.

pizza21*I always thought the woman who plays Sheldon’s mom on Young Sheldon seemed like a younger version of the women who plays Sheldon’s mom on The Big Bang. Wow, what amazing casting.

Well, it turns out Zoe Perry (Young Sheldon’s mom) is the real-life daughter of Laurie Metcalf (older Sheldon’s TV mom). Learned this while listening to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast with Laurie. I also learned she once dated John Malkovich. I’ll bet that was intense. And maybe even a little scary.

*Thanks for reading this post to the end.

 

 

Would You Please Shut Up!

Here’s what I’ll do – and say – when I’m a little more courageous…

cascade1“Excuse me, may I have everyone’s attention,” I’ll begin, standing up by the edge of our table in the crowded, noisy restaurant. My voice will be calm, but authoritative. “It would really help me if everyone would talk softly. Please use your indoor, bedroom voices. You see, I have a traumatic brain injury and am very sensitive to loud noises, especially when they’re coming at me from several directions. And tables. All your yelling and loud, cackling laughter is really hurting my head. Plus, if everyone would speak softly, it would change the entire ambiance and make this dining experience so much more pleasurable for each and every one of us. Really, it would. I swear. And please, for the love of God, would the person in charge of this restaurant turn down the damn music so we don’t have to shout to be heard over it.

“Thank you, please return to your meals. I recommend the salmon.”

Ah, the Cascade Effect. It happens all the time in restaurants, and ruins what would otherwise be a pleasant – and possibly even romantic – dining experience.

It happened again recently. It was a Thursday night, and Susan and I went to an Italian place. It was packed.

“It’s a suicide mission,” I told Susan, knowing what was coming.

Sure enough, we were seated next to a table of 11. Eleven people! They were at a long, narrow table, and for some reason the people at either end of the table needed to talk – I mean shout – at one another for pretty much the entire meal.

Susan seemed to be talking to me. I could tell because her lips were moving.

“What, I can’t hear you. What?”

She spoke a little louder.

And, to be heard over the table of 11, so did everyone else sitting around them. And then, everyone sitting around the people sitting around the table of 11 spoke even louder so they could hear the person sitting across the table from them, and so on until it sounded like we were at a basketball game. The noise increased exponentially in concentric circles. And then there was the music. Frank Sinatra singing too loudly about strangers in the night and how someone had gotten under his skin or maybe he’d gotten under their skin or…

Enough already with all the skin and the noise!

“I’m putting in my ear plugs,” I told Susan. “Text me if you want to talk. Enjoy your meal.”

PS: Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. I think we’ll eat at home.

 

Super Bowl Memories & Michelle’s Eyelashes

 I can’t watch the Super Bowl today (click here to read why), so here’s one from the vault: Feb. 4, 2001 (Ravens & Giants).

gorilla1Another boring Super Bowl has come and gone (FYI: In the early oughts they were all blowouts).

Fortunately, Michelle and Gina were there for comic relief.

This must have been Gina’s first-ever Super Bowl Party. On the way over to Michelle and Bryan’s house, she actually said: “I doubt the Super Bowl will even be on. Maybe we can check the score occasionally.”

What planet is she from?

After a shot of the back of the jersey of a member of the Giants, whose last name is Toomer…

Gina: “What’s his first name, benign?”

No, it’s Armani … which led to a long discussion on fashion.

After a shot of portly Ravens defensive lineman Tony Siragusa…

Gina: “Is that padding or does he have two sets of boobs?”

After much debate, we couldn’t decide. But were strangely intrigued.

After the first half’s two-minute warning…

Michelle: “Great, the game’s almost over.”

Sorry Michelle, another half to go.

Michelle: “Can we play charades at halftime?”

Bryan, Peter and Steve (in perfect unison): “No!”

Gina: “Whatever happened to The Refrigerator?”

Nobody knew.

Michelle (to Bryan, after he tries to shush her): “We can talk! You don’t need to hear it. Just watch it.”

A little later…

Gina: “Michelle has three eyelash curlers.”

brown-brown-eyes-iris-gene-46279.jpegMichelle (defensively): “They’re all different.”

Gina: “I think you may have a problem.”

Michelle: “Is there a group I can join?”

There’s a minute left in the third quarter and…

Michelle: “Great, the game’s finally almost over.”

Sorry Michelle, another quarter to go.

Michelle: “What a boring game. Why can’t the Giants do anything? Is it the personality of their players?”

Why yes, it is. That’s the problem.

A few seconds later…

Michelle: “We could have been playing charades this whole time.”

Gina (after one of the announcers mentions the Ravens): “Who are the Ravens?”

Uh, the team from Baltimore we’ve been watching the past four hours.

Gina: “Oh.”

gorilla2Finally, and mercifully (for the Giants, and for Michelle, Gina and Susan), it’s over.

Michelle: “Now, can we finally play charades?”

Bryan, Peter and Steve (in perfect unison): “No.”

As you may have guessed, we spent the next couple of hours playing charades.

BTW: Michelle is up to six eyelash curlers … and has yet to find a support group. Then again, she does have spectacular eye lashes. Women would kill for Michelle’s eyelashes.

Photos by Susan Cunningham (AKA: SusanSnowPhotos). To see more of her work, click here.

 

Wedding Band Stories: The “Lost” Episodes

The wedding band stories are pouring in.

No, not romantic inscription stories, but something maybe even better: Lost wedding band stories. In this adventure-packed episode we have: parking lots, oceans and airplanes.

Our first story is from Chris – and it’s about a friend (really, it’s his friend, not Chris … or so he says!).

sea-bay-waterfront-beach-50594.jpegSo, his friend is on his honeymoon, on some island in the Caribbean. He’s out in the water, on a board of some sort riding the waves. Somehow, his ring falls off his finger and sinks to the bottom of the ocean.

It’s gone.

The distraught guy rides his board back to the beach, and tells his tale of woe to a couple of dive teachers/leaders from the resort. They’re romantic guys (aren’t all diver leaders?) and volunteer to go back out and dive down and look for the ring. Somehow, the newlywed knows the exact spot where he lost his ring, the divers dive down and one of them emerges holding a wedding band aloft in triumph.

They all cheer and high five.

But here’s the thing: It’s not the guy’s ring! It’s someone else’s wedding band.

Only kidding, it was his ring. But it would have been a better – and even finnier – story if it wasn’t.

“I don’t know if he ever told his wife what happened,” Chris said of his friend.

The second story is from Raf.

So, Raf and his wife decide to split up. And, as can happen in these situations, there were some strong emotions involved. One day, an especially tough day for Raf, he’s driving around in a large strip mall, can’t take it any more … his rage gets the best of him … and he wrestles his wedding band off his finger and hurls it out the window at the side of a store.

And drives off.

Raf realizes he’s gone too far. A ring too far. His dramatic gesture might not have been such a wise – or cathartic – thing to do.

“I drove back and spent an hour looking for that damn ring,” Raf said.

He never found it.

Story number three…

aircraft-jet-landing-cloud-46148.jpegJoe is on an airplane. He’s new to being married and wearing a wedding band. He takes it off and is playing with it, twirling it around in his hand. The plane hits some turbulence, the ring goes flying and then rolling … and it’s gone. Picture it soaring through the air in slow motion, with Joe shouting “nooooooooooooo.”

After everyone de-boards (un-boards?), Joe tells one of the flight attendants what happened, and together they scour the floor of the plane, crawling around under seats. Yuck, imagine all the crap left behind after a flight.

No luck. It’s gone.

Do you think someone, like that annoying guy two rows up, saw it by his feet and snuck it into their pocket?

Maybe.

OK that’s it for this edition of the Wedding Band Stories. Feel free to add to the fun with your story. Email them to me at: steve.wartenberg@gmail.com